blogging from berlin
yeah i know i know i’ve been slack. its not you its me. and its not like i havn’t composed a thousand and one blogs in my head in the month i’ve been out here… (a month!!! holy f**k!!! i thought that living a life where i didn’t have to clock in and out day after day, particularly in a city thats sooooooooooo chill, would make time pass slowly. but i find that actually even though i really have to think twice about what day, time, date, year it is here, time passes fast. whats that all about? but i digress.)
in my first week or two here i was bombarded with messages from london that seemed to expect, that given the nature i’m known fo,r i would conquer this city within days. (i.e. know everywhere worth going, have a ginormous network of friends and lovers, have a fabulous furnished flat in the center of things, finish my film and speak fluent german). all because i’m *social* and *clever* or something. but actually i spent a lot more time in than i could bring myself to admit, and a lot of time writing back to all those london messages. i loved being here but was wracked not quite with homesickness, but with a longing for my friends, and the swagger i have in london, the sense that i walk down the street knowing the city is mine and showing it.
it doesn’t work like that here. but then i don’t think i wanted it to. it was never going to be easy starting from scratch again, i think i forgot how hard it was the last time. but i’m happy with what progress i have made. i have finally found a place, and workspace, and though i struggle along with my german, i understand a bit more every day. i have made a few true friends, who have been open and supportive to me in a way i’m more than a little touched by. and i am getting to know the city and feel like though i may not *own* it, its far more interesting at the moment feeling like i have so far to go to know it at all. and in my time when my phone truly never rang, i learned how to stay in, and to be by myself, which was something i had totally lost in london. i actually like staying in now. i also like going out, and i have no worries about becoming a hermit, but i do have a new sense of wanting to check myself on the social tip a bit. i don’t want to be known as a party girl here. i don’t want my life to revolve around my social life. i want to learn to say no sometimes.
and the most amazing thing about being here is how its changing me, and how i feel like i’m learning and being challenged every day. i’m losing traits about myself that i’m not sorry to see gone. i’m not chained to my diary, i feel less neurotic, its impossible to be a control freak with the ever changing nature of the city, and so i find myself more flexible, less restless. and less materialistic as well. i’m so much less maintenance on my appearance, which is actually really liberating.
its good to have some kind of plan here, as its very very easy to get lost. but if you do have a plan you ahve to constantly be open to it changing. and that has to be a good thing. monday marks a new chapter. i’m setting up my edit suite finally! and i’m really looking forward to changing my rhythm yet again so i can get used to regularly working. and after that i will have to factor in german classes. which i am desperate to get on to. i feel excited and at peace with myself. london seems abstract. i think its going to be a great year..