dear notbar….
Dear notbar,
Thanks…for the memories. Most advise not to get back with an ex (and then do any ways) and ours was certainly an on and off again affair. I mean really. You just would not leave. You kept threatening the end, only to come back again. And weak as my resolve was, (as far as you were concerned) each time you called me back… I came again. I wanted to. I didn’t want to end either. Even when you clashed with my day job, even when you kept me from sleep, even when you kept willing me to people and things I should avoid, I found myself saying yes yes and yes again.
Ours was a tempestuous ongoing will it ever end kind of affair. I even tried to tempt you to join me in Berlin regardless of the destruction I knew you could enwrench on me there. And I believed every single break up, despite your cry wolf status. But like the cigarette you kept perched in my mouth I was addicted to you and so every time you asked me to return, heedlessly I did… but now it really is the last goodbye, and now I think it really is best for us. Because I have things I have to do darling,. A life to be getting on with.
And I know that now that I can’t knock at all twilight hours at your door, worse still just push in that doorway, in every state, with all manner and number of company when you would take me in with open arms. You and your peter pan sensibility, a boy (most definitely a boy, far too straight forward and constantly aroused to be a girl) who for so long refused to grow up, who maintained your childlike charm, who said why play the rules of the rest of the world when we can create our own fantasy and what little fun is growing up anyway.
You intoxicated me to the extent I sold your very ethos to others. And even if no one I brought to you got you in the way I did, I felt a small triumph with every smile ,every drink bought, every cigarette lit; every party that ended in your quarters because I, I had told my micro macro massive to come there. But I am grateful you are finally stepping away. Because break up after break up there comes a time when you have to say hey, if we wont’ be together, if we can’t defy the day to day we must simply look back and say.. Hey… we WERE fucking great.
Please know this at least, I’ll miss you deeply, my wondrous lady-boy;.
Xxx s.